The right thing to say

Recently, a friend asked me what I would have wanted people to say after sharing my experience with pregnancy loss. I was taken aback by the question, but sincerely appreciated her asking. Truthfully, there is no right answer for what to say. In my experience, I was met with empathy, grace, and an overwhelming amount of positive intent from everyone who knew I lost the baby. “I’m so sorry,” had to be the most common response because that’s what you say, right? When something bad happens, it is reflexive to share how sorry you are for their loss. Apologizing lets the other person know you acknowledge their situation, but remains at the surface of the pain.

I don’t know that there is a right thing to say, but there was a right feeling. Those who shared their own experiences of loss, who cried with me, and who just sat in silence while I stared blankly into space made me feel like they were in the hole with me. Sometimes, not saying anything at all is the right thing, but that can feel uncomfortable for the consoler. Most people innately want to remove the suffering and fast forward to making their loved one feel better. As much as I wanted that for myself, it unfortunately isn’t the case. Feeling the pain of loss is part of being human and provides us with an incredible opportunity to share our humanness with one another.

Those who showed vulnerability in my time of loss, even when they had no idea what to say, validated my experience. Attempts to skip the hurt through well-intentioned positivity can minimize the immense sorrow that comes with pregnancy loss. It’s a special kind of grief for someone you have never met, but is a pivotal part of who you are. Even writing this now, it is challenging to describe.

This isn’t to discourage sharing your condolences for a person experiencing loss, however sitting with them in their grief, acknowledging the hurt through your presence goes leagues further than any words can.